I used to sit outside on my concrete slab, AKA “porch” smoking after my divorce. Directly across from my house lived a young couple. When they first moved in they seemed happy, but we never had spoken to one another. One day as I sat in the filth of cigarette smoke, my neighbor walks by. Right away the hair on the back of my neck stood up. She was attractive, reddish hair and had a cute face. However, I could tell that years of smoking and drinking were aging her looks like of the common booze hag, just like the locals in any random dive bar. Anyways she introduces herself, and we chat for a few minutes. I can tell she is slightly buzzed, and about ten minutes later her husband comes walking by and she introduced him to me. I come back into my lair, the safe haven from an awkward conversation with these people but they seem just a bit left of normalcy. .About three hours later I get a knock on my door. It was the same lady, standing there on my porch, she’s pretty drunk and tells me that her husband threw all her shit out the window and left her. I didn’t know what to do and said, “That sucks have a good night”. Part of me was thinking wow this could be easy, but I am not into easy, I need a bit of challenge. So I wave her off and relax for the night. About a half an hour later she knocks on my door again and asks me to open a CD. As I do, she swarms by me, like a drunken teenager and moves her way to my couch! I knew it; I knew I shouldn’t have opened the door!!! Now I have a drunken girl that is upset at her husband on my couch… Not good. I tell her she needs to leave but she is back to three year old mode. She tells me no and straight up tells me to XXXX her. Wow! I am like please just leave me alone drunk lady!!! So I have to play the drunken game… I tell her I will, only if I can sleep with her on her bed. She thinks for a moment and enjoys the idea, so I get her over to her place. I put her on the couch, and tell her I left a condom in my place, now, my name is Jay and I hear her say: “It’s ok RAY, you don’t need a condom I’m clean!” I insist, walk back to my place, lock my door and turn my lights out. I figured that maybe she will leave me alone for a while and I am assuming she passed out because I never heard from her that night.Anyway she tried to knock on my door again however I never answered!!!

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I finally went out with the guy I emailed this past Sunday night. I was very excited to meet him since it took so long for him to write me back. We met at Starbucks early evening. When I got there, he was already there drinking his coffee. I was not very impressed with his looks because he didn’t look like his picture. I was hoping for his personality to shine. He was a gentleman by getting up and giving me a hug hello but then he didn’t offer to get me a drink and I waited inline by myself while he saved our seats.

While he wasn’t sure what I was talking about. sipping my Chai Latte, we asked each other some interview questions like where you’re from and how do you like LA but when it was time to answer what you do, he said he was an “Actor”. Wait a second… I thought he went to Europe last week on a Business Trip?? Ok so maybe he was filming in Europe. When I asked him how his trip was, Why lie?

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