Even though I would have preferred a drink, I met this brunette at a coffee shop last weekend.  I met her through a mutual friend and we talked on the phone a few times before she finally committed to a “date”.  I saw her as soon as I walked in and gave her a hug.  She wasn’t the best looking girl I’ve been out with, but she seemed sweet and had a great body. She ordered regular coffee and a muffin and I paid for our order.  When I walked away from the counter I noticed she hadn’t followed me away from the counter.  I turned around to hear her ask for her muffin.  The cashier told her they would call our name and drinks are to be picked up at the end of the counter.  This apparently was not the answer the brunette was looking for because at the top of her lungs she yelled “I want my muffin now!”  I turned ten colors of red and set myself quickly at the corner of the shop, so not to be confused as her date. 

Was she serious? 

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I was shopping at Trader Joe’s last night. I just got back from the gym, I was wearing sweats, t-shirt and a sweatshirt with my hair pulled back in a ponytail, no make up and clearly Sami- sweaty from my work out.  I was praying that I wouldn’t run into anyone since I was not looking my best. It was so late that I just wanted to run in and get some fruit and veggies for the week. Anyway, I’m at the register waiting in line to check out, and there was a couple in front of me getting ready to pay their over $100 bill. If you have shopped at Trader’s Joes before you know it’s not that easy to spend that much unless you’re stocking up for a month or feeding a family of 8. Well when it was my turn, I said to the cashier, “What did they buy.. the whole store?” He laughed as the bagger next to the cashier was placing my groceries into the brown paper bag. The bagger then said that they couple bought a lot of expensive wine. I chuckled again because from what I know the wine at TJ is inexpensive, the bagger reassured me that TJ has an expensive Chardne and that if I never tried it, I should since it is really good. He even offered to go grab me a bottle and I just wanted to get out of the store. When I declined he offered that he will get it for me next time I come in and I politely said that’s ok but thank you.

When I was pulling out of my parking spot I noticed someone running towards me, it was the guy that bagged my groceries. He came by the passenger window, I opened it to see what he wanted, maybe I forgot something in the store and he reached in and gave me the bottle of wine in a small brown bag and said, “please try it, its on me.” Is he serious? I was shocked. I must admit that was a pretty good move.

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I went out with my guy friend last night. I have not seen him in months. I sent him a text suggesting a movie that was playing at the Grove (an outside mall). He wanted to go to Daphne’s (Greek fast food) for dinner before, which is near the Grove. I text back letting him know there’s an awesome Greek restaurant at the Grove and we can kill two birds with one stone. He text me back that it works for him and he’ll pick me up in 10 minutes.

When he picked me up, he say’s, “Daphne’s”? I reminded him about the Greek restaurant at the Grove because that’s where we’re going to see the movie. He nodded and agreed.

When we pulled up into the Grove, he say’s, “Why did we come here again”? Ummm is he serious? A little bit memory loss or did he smoke a little something, somethin?

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I was out dancing at a club with my girlfriend this past Saturday night. And there was this random guy trying to dance with all the single girls in the club. He was by himself and he literary danced up to every girl (from what I saw) and tried to dance with a random girl from behind, that way she can’t even see who is dancing with her. AND EVERYGIRL pushed it away. It was hysterical. He then tried to dance with one of our friends. This dude looked pathetic. Where’s his wingman?

To make matters worse, I felt bad for him at the end of the night, I saw him walk out by himself. Rough night!

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I used to sit outside on my concrete slab, AKA “porch” smoking after my divorce. Directly across from my house lived a young couple. When they first moved in they seemed happy, but we never had spoken to one another. One day as I sat in the filth of cigarette smoke, my neighbor walks by. Right away the hair on the back of my neck stood up. She was attractive, reddish hair and had a cute face. However, I could tell that years of smoking and drinking were aging her looks like of the common booze hag, just like the locals in any random dive bar. Anyways she introduces herself, and we chat for a few minutes. I can tell she is slightly buzzed, and about ten minutes later her husband comes walking by and she introduced him to me. I come back into my lair, the safe haven from an awkward conversation with these people but they seem just a bit left of normalcy. .About three hours later I get a knock on my door. It was the same lady, standing there on my porch, she’s pretty drunk and tells me that her husband threw all her shit out the window and left her. I didn’t know what to do and said, “That sucks have a good night”. Part of me was thinking wow this could be easy, but I am not into easy, I need a bit of challenge. So I wave her off and relax for the night. About a half an hour later she knocks on my door again and asks me to open a CD. As I do, she swarms by me, like a drunken teenager and moves her way to my couch! I knew it; I knew I shouldn’t have opened the door!!! Now I have a drunken girl that is upset at her husband on my couch… Not good. I tell her she needs to leave but she is back to three year old mode. She tells me no and straight up tells me to XXXX her. Wow! I am like please just leave me alone drunk lady!!! So I have to play the drunken game… I tell her I will, only if I can sleep with her on her bed. She thinks for a moment and enjoys the idea, so I get her over to her place. I put her on the couch, and tell her I left a condom in my place, now, my name is Jay and I hear her say: “It’s ok RAY, you don’t need a condom I’m clean!” I insist, walk back to my place, lock my door and turn my lights out. I figured that maybe she will leave me alone for a while and I am assuming she passed out because I never heard from her that night.Anyway she tried to knock on my door again however I never answered!!!

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